Terryann is in Brazil till the 2nd of November

BreakThrough groups will be :

November 2      1pm-3pm  and   7pm-9pm

November 9       1pm-3pm           7pm-9pm

———

In the new year

BreakThrougn Groups begin on the

18th of Jan   1pm-3pm   7pm-9pm

25th of Jan   1pm-3pm   7pm-9pm

1st of Feb       1pm-3pm     7pm-9pm

EVERYONE IS WELCOME!!!

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Self-Parenting

Self-Parenting

by Terryann Nikides

Acquiring Beliefs:

As children we acquire beliefs about ourselves.  We come into the world a whole being and within a few short years we learn the conditions that are required for our parents/caregivers to love us. Just as 10 people seeing a car accident have 10 different perspectives; each of us experiences our parents/caregivers in differing ways.  In whatever way we experienced our caregivers, we acquire limiting beliefs about ourselves, such as; we should be polite, we should be smart, we should be pretty or handsome. We are really just children in adult suits spending our lives defending or rejecting identities that we acquired before 4 years of age!

Most of the identities are aspects that we do not want to live out hence the identities are pushed into the unconscious. The unconscious then comes to haunt us as the shadow.  As the  shadow, the unconscious makes itself know in dreams, or, when something is catalyzed in us or as Jung would say- a complex is activated.  Once we are triggered or a complex is activated we try to regain control by suppressing, avoiding, denying, and lying to ourselves.

When a complex is repeatedly activated we begin to question our selves: “why does this keep happening to me?” We pull our hair saying, “There must be a better way!” This begins our journey as seekers, seeking to find a better way. This is one of the many steps we take on the path of  self-parenting.

We begin to investigate why we keep falling into the same old, same old pitfalls.  We are aware that the shadow is following us, showing us something that we have not, heretofore, seen. The shadow projects itself not only onto walls but also onto others, reflecting itself back onto us as a conflict.  We see a reflection of the unconscious in everyone and everything around us. We defend ourselves by blaming, justifying and feeling self-righteous just to keep the shadow at bay. The defences further cloud our perceptions of self and others engendering self-deception and dishonesty.  Despite the defences, we still feel helpless, out of control, at a loss, and overwhelmed when triggered.

Safety:

The basic need that we all have is for safety.  We want to keep our loved ones and ourselves safe.  To do this we have certain conditions wherein we feel safe, conditions that vary from individual to individual.  Often times the conditions serve while others create conflict.  The more rigidly we hold our beliefs or preconceptions the more we are catalyzed and are unable to take practical steps in life- the total antithesis of self-parenting.

Reactionary Living:

We tend to struggle with “ listening without preconceived notions, rigid concepts, expectations, and belief systems.” We cannot even hear our hearts when there are rigid beliefs dirtying our lens of perception.  The more beliefs we acquire the dirtier the lens becomes and reactionary living results.

To clean the lens: we first must see, reveal, and expose the beliefs that we hold as swords against the overwhelming world we live in. The sword has protected us in the past but once we are in adulthood we begin to experience its ineffectiveness.  We keep coming up against the same old, same old conflicts over and over again.  We may have blamed others for our experiences but we find it no longer works for us so we lay down our sword and fling our arms up in the air saying “there must be a better way!!” and begin the quest.

The shadow holds the mysteries that keep us in the same old patterns of behaviour and in a reactionary and infantile state incapable of having our needs met. In BreakThrough’s seven step process we take a journey from our conscious beliefs to the unconscious beliefs that are played out over and over in our lives.  They are played out with our parents, our children, siblings, partners, bosses, our bodies, the list is infinite.

Once we see our limiting beliefs we are freed from the same old same, old patterns.  We can now choose and take the steps we needed to take all along but could not. This process is a deep way to parent ourselves and finally reveal what has been holding us back for so long.

Responsibility:

Responsibility is the ability to respond.  To be able to respond and have our needs met we first must take responsibility for our role in a conflict. To be the adult, to care for our child  self that never grew up, the child that was never able to face the hurtful wounds of childhood,  we must first take responsibility  for our lives as they are. Most often we blame and feel that we are justified for blaming the other for our experience of life. Though, blame only ensures that we remain a victim to everyone who does not behave the way we want him/her to behave! We put ourselves in a prison of our own making, lining the walls, unquestioningly, with the rules of our ancestors. We know very well that asking others to behave in ways to make “us” feel better is a Sisyphean task.

When we take responsibility, we can then deduce the beliefs we have about our experience and what triggers us.  BreakThrough does this by asking the catalyzing and honest questions that evoke deep-seated beliefs to rise to the surface and expose themselves for the culprits that they are.  The process is as liberating as it is adventurous for the leader as well as the participant.  Self-investigation through questioning elicits the hidden beliefs that have been limiting us and keeping us from living life as it was meant to be lived- Fully! The BreakThrough process is much like the parent taking the hand of their tiny child and gently bringing them into the world.

Join us on this adventure of “awakening” that leads to Freedom!

Introductory Talks In Hong Kong – Everyone is welcome!

Date: Dec 1st, 2009

Time: 7pm-9pm

Location:Canadian International School of Hong Kong,             36 Nam Long Shan Road, Aberdeen, HK

And/or

Time: Dec 2nd, 2009

Time: 7pm-9pm

Location: Clifton, 33FL, 9 Queens Road, Central

Sign up for BreakThrough 1 Workshops.

Date:Dec 3rd & 4th, 2009.

Time: 9am-5pm

Location: Parc Palais, Club House L5, 18 Wylie Rd, Kowloon, HK

or

Date:Dec 4th & 5th, 2009

Time:9am-5pm

Location: 127 Repulse Bay, Club House

Contact: Angie Tourani

Email: angie@tourani.com

Ph: 668 35755

January 2010

BreakThrough 1

Location: New Age Shop

7 Old Bailey Road

SoHo, HOng Kong

Public Lecture: January 7th, 2009

Time: 7pm-9pm

Course to follow on the 9th and 10th of January 2010 .

Contact: Eve Chan

Email: enquiry@newageshop.com.hk

http://www.newageshop.com

Comparison

Comparison and Self-Ignorance

Comparison is a measure we use to judge ourselves against something that we believe we are or are not. Each time we compare ourselves to something that we should or should not be, we dismiss our needs.  This dismissal is tantamount to ignoring the requirements of our body, mind, and soul all the while supporting self-ignorance.

Our comparisons are designed to either inflate or deflate what we think we are and push ourselves into being what we are not. Often times we do not even think but bow, to quote Marshall McLuhan, to the medium being the message, for example the author’s appearance rather than the content of the book. The more colourful or appetizing medium is the greater our need to make the comparison and fulfil it.  We compare ourselves to then live into “what is not” rather than living into “what is”. Every time we compare ourselves to others, to the way we were, to what we think we should be, we condemn our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls to unconsciousness and self-ignorance.

What we compare ourselves to

We want to keep up with the Jones’ so we compare cars, homes, furniture, and children’s accomplishments, performance, intellect, ad infinitum.  Instead of living a considered life we live end up living a comparative life fraught with conflict. Instead of our own measuring stick we use any stick that seems to be the ideal for the moment. We torture ourselves into all kinds of different shapes and sizes in every aspect of life.  A woman five feet ten inches starves herself into the dress size of a woman of 5 feet tall and is praised for the accomplishment while another ends up in hospital with kidney failure and is called stupid. One man runs and ends up winning a marathon and is praised while another man runs and damages his hip joints and has to have them replaced and is pitied. Physiology varies from person to person, some can run longer marathons and some can live on a little sleep.  Praising what is natural to a body or pitying what is unnatural both have the same basis- ignorance. We could also say that our desire to fulfil an ideal is: the rejection of diversity, prejudicial, and intolerant.

Not only do we compare ourselves to others but to our own history. We look into our past and say over and over “I am not what I used to be.” Or “I used to be able to do such and such and now I cannot.”  Despite that “what we used to be” got us into the mess we are in today.

The Consequences of Comparison are twofold

The consequences of comparison are metaphorically the death of the soul or living a dead life. Comparison has become a branding that each individual wears not only in designer labels but designer humans.  By the same token the urgings of the soul or something from within is desperately trying to be part of something.  Comparison seems to be the way we are seeking out something, though rife with self-ignorance, it give us clues to what we are seeking, that is, if we are truly seeking. When the body, mind, and soul do not behave the way we want; when, despite meeting all the comparatives we have made for ourselves, and we still are in conflict then we come, possibly, to our wits end, desperate to find something to assuage the hurts.  This signals that something we need is seeking us out.  Desperation signals that something is wrong. We feel a sense of yearning and an emptiness telling us that comparing ourselves is not working.

In addition, each time we compare ourselves try to become what we are not we reaffirm that we are not adequate the way we are.  We are supporting that we are faulty and needing repair.  Comparison in this way is, in effect, a deep dishonouring and disrespect of Self and others.  It only serves to undermine our selves causing us to manipulate and abuse ourselves and others into being what we are not.  Comparison, ultimately, is used as a weapon to defend ourselves from loving ourselves as we are.

The neuroses that result, as Jung described are the signal that we are in a struggle, a conflict that is letting us know that something is seeking our attention.  It seems that there is a sense of aliveness from the neurosis itself. Those of us, who find that the conflict is experienced deeply, profoundly begin a process of self-inquiry. Once the desire to free ourselves of blame through living into our comparisons is no longer working, we begin to examine needs more honestly.

Honest Self-Inquiry

Comparison can humble or humiliate.  Either way the process of freely living into what is, rather than being limited by what should or should not be, happens when we honestly see what we are doing when we compare. Conscious self-inquiry requires honestly investigating who we think we are or who we think we should or should not be.

Comparing ourselves can serve to exculpate ourselves or blame ourselves more deeply.   The resultant suffering or triggering of neurosis is the alarm that lets us know that we are alive and seeking out a better way to do things. Comparison being one of the ways that leads to dismissing our own needs.

Self-inquiry can begin by investigating what our needs are at this moment in time.  Life is ever changing, the planet is in orbit so we are never in the same place for very long, and our cells are changing so we are not even the same, we require different amounts of water depending on the moment, hence our needs are changing with the passage of time.  If our requirements change then we have to see ourselves in a new light in any given moment.  The past cannot be the measure that we use for the present nor can some external ideal.

Conflict and comparison

The conflicts we experience are clues that the unconscious is trying to communicate with us. We try to avoid, suppress, deny, or push away conflict but they are the signals letting us know what is happening. When we are comparing and experience conflict it tells us something wants to be heard.  We keep forcing ourselves to live into the comparison but the body, mind, and soul cry out by resisting our pressures.  Each time we support that we are not good enough by comparing something cries out letting us know that we are hurting.  We delude ourselves into thinking that what is crying out is the part of us that wants to be something else. This delusional thinking keeps us continually hurting ourselves, dismissing the cries. Much like telling a dark haired, dark eyed child that they should be blond and blue eyed!

Consciousness

We underestimate that shedding light on something that was hidden is just what is needed for healing to happen.  When we are sure that we know what is wrong with us we can be sure we are on the wrong track! If we knew what was holding us back then the problem would be resolved. Why keep seeking if we already have the answer? We keep seeking because we need to shed light on what is holding us in the same old repeated behaviours.

We can make changes via self-examination, seeing things from a different perspective, and shedding light on what we do not see.  When we explore what we have been assuming about ourselves and life then we can shed light on what we have not seen and make room for new ways to live life and meet our needs.   Comparison is just one of those ways that we have used to support our assumptions about life and self.  We also find more and more proofs that we are good or not good enough by comparing ourselves to the world outside of ourselves further shrouding ourselves in self-ignorance.  By shedding light on comparing and finding out why we continue to compare ourselves, despite the obvious hurts that comparison supports, we can change our behaviours.